I don't know if I should be writing this or not but I feel compelled to do so,more because I have this blog going and I think it's rather a good title to blog about. For me Father's Day brings mixed feelings.Feelings I would rather not touch. Feelings I have put at the back of my mind and kept them numb.However, I will take the painful effort and share a little bit of what is left of my ailing relationship with my father.Right now we only communicate with text messages and that too just short notices giving some info over a financial matter.That's it. I have not spoken to him in person for more than a year now.So this will pretty much sum up my relationship with him.
I don't know why and cant find an explanation that justifies it enough,my father just has this wall around himself that you just cannot pass beyond.He doesn't know how to express love and has always been very stern with us. My siblings and I are actually quite afraid of him even though we still love him. We have accepted him the way he is,he does not realize it. I am not over looking the times he has been mentally and physically supportive while my sister and I both were going through our divorces. That must have been a hard position to be in while having divorced our own mother.What I want to say here is, no matter how he lends his support he will even do that in a restricted way of his own. He would never let loose himself or his demeanor of sternness. Yes and that is how I know my father always and have this image stuck in my mind. I cannot be made guilty for this because i don't want to have this image and wish so much that it wasn't this way. I wish so much that I could just call him up some days and have a chat. For we have had such times in the past and whatever said and done we are related by blood and that really is thick you know. You just can re bond after many years without a blink. It has happened many times.
Yet I am here, standing defeated and tired of trying to knot and re-knot the ends.Its gets me no where. It keeps me exhausted and weakened.I don't think I am that strong anymore.I don't like to think of Father's Day, for all of these things that I have mentioned. I hold on to the good memories and pass everyday like I am fine, so why should I spoil it today?I feel as I go wandering through my life I must contribute something from my life in writing,I think my thoughts like I write them,they are long and confusing and deeply expressed. My grandfather was a writer and poet and his poems are studied in schools for their Language classes in our own Maldivian script. So there, isn't that a good enough reason to attempt a bit of writing. I am always praying for good things and you should do the same.Pray.